The Time Has Come, The Time Is Now

Every day a thousand thoughts flit through my brain, and a thousand feelings flow through my body. This has been true for me for as long as I can remember. It makes for a chaotic inner world. And since many of these thoughts and feelings don’t always make sense in the world I grew up in or have been a part of as an adult, it’s hard to listen to them all and make sense of the chaos. 

In the past, I spent years ignoring these thoughts and feelings and pretending a serenity that completely eluded me. I spent hours a day trying to “pray them away”. I also spent years trying to numb them or drown them into non-existence with a combination of legal substances mixed and consumed in a not-quite-legal fashion. When I figured out that shit was killing me, I found the 12 steps and changed the course of my personal life and actions, but the thousands of thoughts and feelings per day just keep coming. 

In more recent years, I’ve spent much time on a therapist’s couch or in my sponsor’s living room or sitting in my pastor’s office visitor’s chair trying to corral and control my inner world, or at least make some sense out of it all. I have often been told or had it gently suggested to me that I need to write down these thoughts and feelings, that putting pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard would help me find a way to channel all that energy in a healthy way. Unfortunately, I’m also a bit of a rebel, so I tended to ignore those instructions and suggestions. 

It’s interesting to me how many times in my life that I refused to do what I was told, and it was something that was really good for me...and how many times I was obedient, and it was a really, really bad thing for me. Hmmm...

I originally decided to write a blog about my journey to health and wellness. But what keeps showing up on these pages are stories of spiritual healing. So for now, I’m going to go with that. 

The past few years have been difficult. But they’ve also been good. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I actually like who I am. I actually love me. Melissa.

I love Melissa. 

It only took 60 years.

In 2015 my dad passed away, and in 2017, I lost my mom. Grieving the loss of them, and also the loss of who they weren’t, has been eye opening. Mostly they were wonderful people who loved God with all of their hearts. They raised me with their values and beliefs, and their values and beliefs became my values and beliefs

But an interesting thing happened when I became an adult orphan: I began to question everything I knew to be “true”. At the ripe young age of 60, I’m asking myself these questions: What do I believe? Who do I believe? Why do I believe it? 

This has been a really interesting exercise. And it has made me realize that about 90% of what I’ve said I believe for years and years comes from my parents or my husband. Wow. I think it’s time to think for myself. So if you read some things in the future that I write that are surprising to you, well, that’s just me finally growing up. 

This blog is about my journey, my healing journey. And it’s not over yet. I may be late to the blogging party, but I hope to have many more years of traveling these roads and taking some of the rabbit trails that pop up along the way, and then writing about them. 

So I’ll leave this first entry with a short introduction: I am a child of God. I am an Orthodox Christian (but please don’t dictate to me what I can think, feel, believe, and do based on that rule book. My God is bigger than that.) I am a strong woman, a nurturing woman. I am a wife, mother, grandmother, sister, retired RN and NP, a seeker of truth and asker of questions, an empathic medical intuitive. I am a healer. I am a reader. I am a swimmer.

Anyway, welcome to my world. It’s sometimes chaotic, sometimes sad, sometimes filled with joy, often serious and occasionally fun (I’m actively trying to flip that ratio). But it’s mostly good, and it might be interesting. So stick around! I think you’ll be glad you did.