I had a memory the
other day of the lowest point in my life, a time when I truly wanted
to kill myself. And of the angel that saved me.
My husband and I were in the midst of a very painful divorce (we were remarried about two years later, but at this moment, things were really bad), I was struggling with a lot of emotional traumas, I was in constant pain from a chronic condition, and I was mixing pain killers with alcohol in an attempt to make both last longer. But nothing I did numbed my emotional and spiritual pain. My kids were with their dad on this particular night, so I was alone in my crappy little rental house, the only thing I could afford.
I made the most of this time alone by laying on the bedroom floor, quietly sobbing and drinking. I remember ultimately coming to the decision that if I was no longer around, everyone’s lives would be so much better. In my pain-twisted thoughts, I was a useless human being who added nothing positive to the world. I was so very tired. Of everything.
As I was just laying there formulating a suicide plan (and since I was a nurse, I was calculating how much alcohol and drugs I needed to take in order to accomplish this), my beautiful dog, a dalmatian named Sammy, got up slowly from his bed in the living room and found me. It was in the wee hours of the morning, and he was an old dog who had already been asleep for hours. But he must have heard me crying, so he nudged the bedroom door open, walked over to me where I was laying on the floor, laid down beside me, and quietly put his head on my chest.
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| My sweet Sammy. Those eyes! đŸ’• |
He was large for a dalmatian, about 80 pounds. He laid his big head directly over my
heart, and he looked at me with those gorgeous eyes filled with
adoration, and I realized that I wasn’t completely useless. It
struck me that if this dog could love me, I must have some worth.
Even in the depths of despair where no divine or human love could
reach me, his love did.
He stayed exactly in that spot all night long; if I moved, he just burrowed closer. I couldn't get up if I wanted to. If he could have wrapped his legs around me in a hug, he would have. It was the one and only time he ever did that.
By morning, instead of figuring out how to die, I was figuring out how to get help. And I was alive. An angel named Sammy saved my life. With his utter devotion to me, he reminded me that we all have worth, because we are created by a God who loves us humans so much, He put beautiful dalmatians in our world.
It's been 22 years
since that night, and we lost that sweet boy only a year or two
later. But I will never forget him, and I am forever grateful for him
and to him. It took me a few more years to beat the demon of
substance abuse, but I never again contemplated suicide. That night
was a turning point.
If you find yourself
in a similar situation, I pray that an angel will visit you and
remind you of your innate value and importance. But no matter what,
please, please, please reach out for help.
The national suicide prevention lifeline number is 1-800-273-8255.
For
LGBTQ+ youth, call the Trevor Project hotline 1-866-488-7386.
For help with drug
and alcohol addiction, call 1-844-289-0879.
We are all created
in the image and likeness of God, and in that is our true worth. Even when tarnished and broken, that image is perfect in His eyes. Sometimes it
takes the loving eyes of a furry angel to remind us of this truth.
